I Wanted to Write You A Think Piece

I wanted to write you a think piece
A cogent reflection on an issue of
Great social import—
What it’s like to be raised in the 
Culture of conspiracy 
Yet my brain is still a bit too scrambled
To weave coherent sentences together
Probably because phrases like
“Deep state” and “high cabal”
Were a regular part of my childhood diet
Long before YouTube was even a thing
But just as toxic voices coming
Through the radio flooded my tender heart, 
Sometime before my brain broke
Beyond repair

I wanted to write you a think piece
But my brain can no longer think straight
Not like anything about me was
Built to be straight-
Perhaps it’s that I am so damn tired
My mind is exhausted 
The heart hurts like my heart has the virus
And my soul can only muster the strength 
To plop down on my couch and cry
The last four years wearied my soul 
On top of the forty years
I’ve spent running from ghosts 
Slaying monsters, dancing with demons 
Or figuring out a way to live with them
Most days it all feels the same 

I wanted to write you a think piece
Something that might catch the attention of
Rachel Maddow or NPR
A queer daughter shares her lived experience
Of surviving a conservative existence
Q-Anon pings on our modern radar, yet
A-thru-P were quite the torture too
The father who exposed me had such a
Questionable relationship with the truth,
With consistency, with decency, and yes
Even with the Mighty God he claimed to serve
Yet when you’re a spirited little girl
You believe in him
And that his goodness will prevail
Not his delusions 

I wanted to write you a think piece
Full of big words to help you understand
And yet I only have big feelings 
That still make an accomplished person
Unsure of who she can really trust
Uncertain of what is fantasy and what is real 
Unclear if the avoidant lovers who are a 
Staple in her life truly mean what they say
About my love, my body, my light
Or if they are just like him
Afraid of my light 
Too afraid to let it work 
Her transformative powers
My light works that magic for so many
So why do I still feel so cold in my own bed?

I wanted to write you a think piece 
About how the fire in my belly 
Led me to the Capitol to make sure
That the King of my father’s own image 
Was indeed knocked off his throne  
I got to tell one of his disciples
That he sounded like an abuser
And that I could no longer communicate
With such a person for whom the Truth
Clearly means something so different
Their vision of a great America is no
America in which I want to live 
So how am I supposed to live with them?
How can our demons ever possibly dance
Together on the same floor?

I wanted to write you a think piece
Full of solutions for unity 
Based on my knowledge and life’s work
Yet this puzzle is not one that
Thinking will ever solve
And our feelings may burn down
Each other’s houses 
I am curled up, crying on my couch
With the young women that still
Live inside
Just wanting their father to love them
As they are
As she is
A very blue soul
Who loves America with her bleeding heart